Today’s just one of those days; one of those kind where you don’t really feel sad or mad, but you’re just kind of meloncholy for not really any particular reason. It’s the kind of day where I fall into my own world of deep thoughts, and eventually start thinking about things that do make me mad or sad, maybe in some sort of subconscious effort to match my unexplainable mood.
For whatever reason, though, I’m just not feeling it today. Yesterday was a really rough day at work – a man I’ve known for 12 years, a good man, great leader and even better professor, husband and father, was done a great injustice. It started making me think about all of the utter bullshit I’ve seen in the oh-so-tightly-wound bureaucratic corporate world that plagues both private and state/government run institutions. It happens when the black and white hard lines of policy and procedure cloud the vision where you can no longer see the real, live person standing in front of you or on the other end of the phone. It happens when a society becomes so overrun with sue-happy people that we’re all of a sudden scared to sneeze without being held liable for some grossly exaggerated claim. It happens when an employer is too afraid to do the right thing when it comes to disciplinary action or even termination that we’re now forced to pay for a lazy asshole of a person to continue working. It’s all because of stuff we’ve done to ourselves, and yet we, as a society, just sit back and boo hoo about how unfair and unjust things are. When are we going to start doing something about it? When are we going to start making our voices heard at the polls, or maybe even run for office ourselves? It’s something I’m seriously considering.
So I went to school today, still upset about yesterday, and I was tired. I had a long evening with my kids, tried to go to bed early, but still slept like crap and woke up at 5:30am. I made my bed and even made coffee today in an effort to tell myself, “At least you have time to do ___ since you’re up so early,” but it didn’t really help. I went to class anyway, and in class, being one of three “non-traditional” students (that’s the school’s fancy way of saying we’re old), I found myself aggravated by the young students standing around talking for over 30 minutes instead of helping us finish today’s project so we could clean the lab space. You see, I was off of work today, which meant after class I could make the 35 mile drive back home and play with my kids today. I wanted to finish and leave.
On my way home I stopped to get groceries for dinner and bought myself flowers because I thought, “I deserve them.” Then it hit me. Loneliness.
Let me pause for a minute and say a couple of things. I’m totally fine being single. I’m the happiest I’ve been in 10 years. I no longer dread going home to meet someone who’s manipulative, emotionally abusive and unfaithful. I no longer feel like I’m under appreciated. I no longer feel ugly. I no longer feel worthless. I didn’t always feel this way, but after a year of healing post-separation/divorce I found the person who I’ve always been, but lost sight of. I learned to be happy on my own for the first time in my life.
Now, after all that, it sucks being alone! I know, I know, I sound like I just completely contradicted myself, but I didn’t. I don’t mean it sucks to be alone in a way like you “need” someone to make you happy, I mean it just sucks to be physically alone sometimes. On those days when you’re exhausted coming home and all you can think about are the million-and-one things that need to be done, and all of which are relying on you alone. The kids who refuse to nap because they just want to see you. The grass that grows faster than my energy and time allows me to mow it, and then when you get time you run out of gas and can’t go get more because the kids are asleep. The dinner that never seems to cook itself. The homework and pressure of being a full-time graduate student. The impatience and restlessness from wanting my degree to go faster so I can fully get back on my feet financially. The desire to move somewhere far away to start over, but knowing I can’t. The dreams I have unfulfilled. The time I’d rather be spending with my mom so she can see more of her grandkids. The hand of a loved one in mine and hug I’d like to feel at the end of a long day. All of that is what I think about on a daily basis and it gets overwhelming at times, even depressing. I just get so tired of doing all of this alone sometimes that I want to scream, “It’s just not fair!”
So ya, I guess all of that to say, I’m just really not feeling it today.