Father’s Day…..it rolls around once a year and to this day, at 30 years old, I still feel a void that I really can’t put words to. My Dad and I have repaired a good deal of our relationship in recent years. While it’s not where I’d like it to be, it’s a great deal better than it was 10 years ago. I grew up with a wonderful step-father who’s been in my life for going on 23 years now. So what’s missing?
I think it stems back to things being “different” and not being able to do anything about it. It’s the exact same way I feel about my girls now, being a divorced single mom myself. Do I wish I was still married to my ex-husband? NO! Getting divorced was the best thing for us! It wasn’t until after we were separated and I started working on myself that I realized how much manipulation and control I was living under. But that doesn’t mean that I’m glad for the tears my girls have cried, the hurt they’ve felt, or the confusion they’re still trying to wrap their little minds around. They may not really understand or come to grips with the present time for decades, and I know exactly what that’s like.
So, yes, Father’s Day is weird, just like every single other holiday when you’re the child from a divorced family. There’s a constant feeling of never being settled, never really at home no matter where you go, but your own home, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells to protect any and all parties, and unconsciously playing referee with all stories, news and updates. As my girls grow I hope I continue to cognizant of how I feel right now so I can do my best to keep them from feeling the same way. We shall see…
In the mean time, Happy Father’s Day to everyone:
- To all the Dads who want and try to be around more even if you’re not with your kid’s mother
- To all the Father’s who chose your children instead of raising them by biological obligation,
- Tall those single moms who are rocking the hell out of being both Mom and Dad.
I hope you enjoy your day fully!
This day I longed for in my early twenties. I was married just shy of my 21st birthday, and from our first anniversary for the better part of four years my ex-husband and I struggled with infertility. I had my first miscarriage right before our anniversary. Our second was right around our second anniversary. The third happened a short time before our fourth anniversary. Each time I felt more and more isolated, more and more ashamed, more and more broken. I suffered through each one alone and silent.
Why was it happening to me?
I was left with a myriad of unanswered questions throughout those years. I did find out I was pregnant with my oldest, beautifully healthy daughter, just a month after my third miscarriage. I’m so thankful for her, but my heart does feel unsettled still. Why did I go through those years? What purpose did it serve? I may never have those answered until I’m in heaven one day, but one thing I’ve seen already is that through my suffering I’ve learned to be more understanding and compassionate, and have come in contact with other couples on multiple occasions experiencing the same tragedy and I’ve been able to share with them and listen to their needs. I think those years, as well as my year through divorce, have shown me that our sufferings allow us to shed light to others.
Now I’m single, so what?
Last year was my first Mother’s Day as a single mom. It felt weird to me. At the time my kids were 2 and 3 years old. Their preschool always has them complete a project of some sort to give to you on this day, but in my mind I looked forward to mother’s day the most because I thought my partner would celebrate me for bringing our children into this world. I was in labor for 45 1/2 hours with my oldest daughter and a very hard 9 hours with my youngest. I guess I thought, maybe even desired, for someone to say that I made them grateful, that they were proud of me, that they appreciated the sacrifices I made to have them, as well as the daily sacrifices I made to raise them as a work-from-home mom. Those unmet desires and attuning that my heart didn’t receive for years prior to even becoming single left me in a very weird state last year. Next weekend I’ll celebrate my second mother’s day single, and to be honest, I totally forgot it was mother’s day coming up until just a couple of days ago! Is that sad? Maybe it’s just a season I’m in, but my wish for all of you moms out there, married, single, young, old, is that you feel an overwhelming sense of appreciation on your day! Even if there’s not a physical person to provide you with flowers, breakfast in bed, or even just kind words, I hope and pray that you speak those words over yourself, because you’re worthy and they’re true.
Men, are you still searching for a gift? Help me help you. The mother in your life will LOVE this!! <Rescue & Renew Set> Choose the entire set, or 1-2 pieces. They’re all amazing!
It’s been almost six months since I last posted! You may be wondering what all the hype was about when I announced that Mockingbird Baby is now a landing page for my Arbonne business, and then went MIA for months on end. Allow me to digress, if you will.
A LOT has been going on. Last fall I was accepted to grad school at Sam Houston State University – Eat ‘Em Up Kats! I started my first semester towards my Masters of Science in January, and grad school as a single mom has been NO JOKE! So far I’m doing really well, and my goal is to just keep that same momentum going to get me through the next 1 year and 4 days until graduation. Not that anyone is counting or anything. Now that the semester is ending there may be an influx of posts coming from me.
I started dating again last fall and after several frogs and disappointments I think I’ve found my Prince Charming! His name is Doug, he’s amazing with my kids, he listens deeply and cares compassionately, and I think I finally know what true love means! I’ll share a separate blog post on my thoughts around that one another time.
My mom has been really sick since October; in and out of the hospital more frequently than she can stand, treatments working, then not working, then changing treatments, surgeries, changes, etc. She’s exhausted. I think we’re still in the midst of trying to navigate through what the doctors are going to say next, but the only thing I know how to do right now is just support whatever direction she wants to go. Quite honestly I’ve been really bad at these emotions because it’s a first for me. A scary first that I don’t like. I feel like I don’t know what to say, I’m not sure what I feel half the time, and also I just want to finish school so I can spend more time than I’ve been able to with her. We’d love your prayers in this area if you wouldn’t mind!
My girls are finishing another pre-school year and my oldest, Joni, is officially registered for Kindergarten! Class of 2030 here she comes!
So yes, to say I’ve been busy could possibly be an understatement, but you know what? I’ve never been happier in so many areas of my life! I learned so much about myself last year and I’m ready to see what the future holds! Here’s to being back online!
What has Mockingbird Baby become?
You may be visiting the Mockingbird Baby site confused, because, after all, didn’t this used to be a natural family boutique with cloth diapers, soaps, lotions, carriers and other baby items? You’d be correct! In September we had to make the very difficult decision to close both our retail and online stores as I finalized my divorce and made other decisions that were in the best interest of my family. So what now? Well, Mockingbird Baby has transitioned to be a landing page for my Arbonne business as well as an outlet for my Journey of a Single Mom. I’ve learned so much over my 30 years here, especially this last year as my life took the biggest transition I’ve ever experienced. Blogging has become my way of sharing lessons, stories, funny happenings and just allowing you to step into my life on occasion. I can honestly say as I stand here today that I’m the happiest I’ve been in 10 years. It hasn’t been easy, nor fun, getting to this point, but I’m loving it. I hope you’ll follow along with me and enjoy, possibly even learn from, what I share.